Thursday, April 2, 2009

Why do I draw?

I was kinda of day-dreaming, as I was about to start on a new piece of illustration.

Then the thought just floated into my mind. Why am I doing this?

After much thoughts, I finally realized why... I knew 1 all along, but I never realized the other...

Expression. Drawing soothes me, it is like my way of expressing myself. Usually I draw when I am sad or unhappy. But sometimes, I draw because I want to make a statement. I am too shy to shout it out to the world, but I tell the world through my art, though most of my friends usually fail to appreciate it. But anyway, it is my way of shouting.

Desire. I never really realized this until today. But in retrospective, this is so very true. The true origin of why and how did I started drawing. My desire to own, to have.

When we were young, and we couldn't afford alot of things. There were a lot of things which I wanted very badly but never could have. And it is true even on this very present date, though my desires aren't of those material in nature.

In a sense, I feed my hunger by drawing. For when I draw them down, it is as if I own them, as if they are mine, forever mine, even if I cannot truly own them. It is as if I could crystalize them permanently in drawing, i can make them mine, mine alone.

I realized today that, it is not really because of expression that I draw, but because I yearned for them so very badly. tangibles and intangibles.

I just realized I am drawing what I am missing in my life. And I despair of ever filling that void.

I think I am sick.

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